South African movie

I just saw that there is a new movie by director Gavin Hood, who made the excellent "A reasonable man" in the late 90's, and it's winning prizes at festivals around the world - Tsotsi.

Finding my strengths

I've been actively learning more about teaching as a consequence of my severe dislike of the research arm of the academy - I have realised that I easily lose focus and become demoralised when working alone as opposed to in a team, and that I find it very hard to work towards long term goals, especially if the goals are things as inherently unsatisfying (to me) as an article to submit to a journal. I used to think that these were character defects, and if I could just "pull myself together" I would learn to do these things. It has been greatly liberating to me to realise that the reason I have never liked doing research is ... duh... because it's just not the kind of work I'm wired to do.

On the other hand, I think I'm really good at working in a team, with lots of creative energy and lots of drive, and that I'm easily motivated by short term projects where I will get to see the results within a month or two. I worked coordinating a science camp over the summer, and really enjoyed the experience, was waaay productive and busy, and (I think) very effective.

I have decided that I want to complete the PhD, because
(1) I think it will open doors to make it possible for me to do what I want to do, and
(2) Damnit I Will. Not. Quit.

But it's easier for me to stay motivated to trudge through this process knowing that once I get done I have a career plan that will allow me to do more of the things that I'm good at, and fewer of the things that I dislike/am bad at/don't value. I would like to get a job in a university college of engineering, teaching undergraduates and participating in outreach to high school / adult science education. I think that's pretty feasible at a non-Research I university. To that end, I'm starting to do some things that nurture this future dream.

I'm taking a Math class which is necessary for my research, but which I could also count as credit towards a masters degree in teaching mathematics - aimed for people who intend to teach at the high school or undergrad level and want to improve their mathematical grounding. It's an ideal match for me, also includes 2 classes in the education department, will enable me to stretch my math muscles again, and will prepare me for teaching and for doing more effectively the type of research I think that I will be able to tolerate. The idea is that I would do the masters after I finish this here degree. (I know... more study. Is she mad?)

I'm also meeting with people who actually work in Math and Science education outreach so that I'm not just developing in the echo chamber of my own mind. I'm starting to be involved with the SQUEAK project, getting young (starting with first grade) children to learn object oriented computer programming through this really powerful graphical language. Talking to people in the MSTE office about education has exposed me to some of the literature in education which will hopefully continue to inspire me, and ensure that I don't reinvent the wheel.

I'm trying to maintain a balance, spending enough time nurturing my future to stay energised while still keeping my main focus on my research so that I Finish. The. Damn. Dissertation. But even when I feel like I'm spinning my wheels in mud, not getting anywhere, at least I'm more confident that the car is pointed in the right direction.

What's in a name?

I posted earlier about changing my name... but it turns out to be a long story, which lots of people have asked me about, so here goes.

After much soul-searching and to-and-froing and revisiting the issue months after Ross thought it was resolved (to his frustration) I finally decided that I would take his last name. Part of the decision was that we would both have my maiden name as a middle name, not double-barrelled or anything, just hiding out in our names to remind us of where we come from. That made me feel much more comfortable that I wouldn't be "losing" my name and hence my identity.

Anyway, when we went to get our marriage license from the county clerk the week before the wedding, we asked about how the name-changing process worked, and discovered to our horror that, even in the 21st century, in our county Ross would have to pay $250 to change his name, while I could change mine for free if I was getting married.

Not only that, but when I started to ask the person who helped us about changing my name, and consequences for drivers' licences, passports, visas, etc, she said that while both names would still be legal, and so I *could* change some stuff but not other stuff if I *wanted* to, she recommended waiting until I was ready to change everything over all at once. Since I live in what feels like a legal house of cards (international student), I decided not to do the legal name change until I'm free of the encumbrances of university administration and INS.

Consequently, I haven't really done anything, and so when people ask me for my name I don't really know how to answer them. Have I changed my name? No, but yes. Yes, I am happy and excited to be addressed by my new name, I certainly won't be offended if you assume that that's my name, I fully intend for that to be my legal name. But no, I haven't.

happily every after

I last posted a couple of weeks before the wedding. Our family started arriving the Saturday before the wedding, so we had a whole week of wedding organisation, planning and family time, which was really great. It was a priority for both of us that our families have a chance to get to know each other, since we will always be far away from one family, so besides getting everyone involved in cooking and cleaning (what better, way, really, to get to know one another? Our motives were completely altruistic, I swear) we also had plenty of social gatherings.

The wedding itself was wonderful. Here's a picture of us that I like because it kind of looks like a picture that would have been taken at our grandparents' weddings... sort of American Neo-Gothic, if you will ;-)

Many people commented that the service was beautiful, and that it was evident that we had chosen everything in it. I honestly can't remember very much of the actual service - mostly just Ross' face and the patterns on the floor! - but my favourite moment was when people joined in in singing a song I had chosen with words in English and Zulu. It's a setting of a prayer: "God bless Africa, guard her children, guide her leaders, and give her peace." Standing in the front of my mid-American church, hearing strong voices singing in Zulu behind me, everything in my life felt so connected - which is what I had wanted, but wasn't sure I would get.

Here we are in front of the church with our families. In the front, Ross and Martha, Ross' parents; Marie, Dad's partner (also known as my "partner-in-law") and John, my dad. In the back, Christa, Ross' sister; Thom, Ross' best friend; the happy couple; and Robert and Michael, my brothers.

We had a "formal" reception after the service, just down the road at they Y. We had prepared most of the food ourselves, with help from many friends and family - roast beef, gouda and brie, chips and salsa, hummus and veggies, bread from the Serbian bakery, quiche, with carrot cake as our wedding cake. The tablecloths were just unbleached muslin, strewn with some wild sage we had picked a few days before, flowers were daisies, chrysanthemums, wild sage and yarrow. We had chosen daisies as our "colour theme" (to the extent that we had one), so people who were helping to decorate the hall made a giant daisy out of crepe paper on the wall behind Ross and my table. The cake was on a tablecloth sent by my grandmother before the wedding, and apparently (if I have the story right) embroidered by my great-grandmother. Friends set up a scrapbooking table, and took polaroids of people as they arrived, so people decorated pages of a scrapbook with their photograph and good wishes - a treasured guest book.

I don't think that there was anyone present who hadn't helped us prepare for the day in one way or another. We really see a marriage as the formation of a new family, supported by a larger community, and while we are starting this life with just the two of us, it wouldn't be possible if we were not supported by our friends and family.

For us, while the ceremonies were wonderful, the best part of the day came after all of that, when people gathered at our house for the rest of the afternoon, and into the evening, and talked, played bocce, got to know each other (and helped us finish lots of the leftover food from the reception!) I always love to get my friends together so I can introduce people who I think would get along, so I love to have social events where lots of people who don't know each other get to talk to each other - and this worked out that way, which made me very happy ;-) Also, we changed out of our wedding clothes into shorts and comfy shirts, which was really nice as the day was hot and sweaty!

We've been married a month now, and while it hasn't been the most settled month in either of our lives - looking after visitors, working to make up for time off for the wedding (Ross) , and running a science summer camp for middle-school girls (me) it feels really settled and comfortable to be married. In a way that I hadn't expected, making the vows in public did deepen our commitment to each other, and we have a certainty about our future which feels good.

Life returns to its regular pace now. I'm back to research, trying to establish a routine and achieve results with somewhat less stress, Ross is proofreading part time, taking some computer classes at the community college and looking for a full time job. We are happy to be together.

*yawn*

I've been so sleepy recently. I fall asleep when I'm reading, sitting in a chair, sitting on the bus... just about anytime except when I should go to sleep at a sensible hour. At a sensible hour to go to sleep, I'm generally staring at the computer until my eyes sting, trying to work sometimes, but more often just reading the internet and playing dumb games.

A couple of nights ago I was at work, and finally managed to do the things I had needed to do, so I was ready to pack it in and go home at around 2am. Turn off lights, check that office door is locked, walk downstairs, out main building door, head to car, search in bag for keys. No keys. Then I remember that they're sitting on my desk upstairs. After wandering around the immediate neighbourhood for a few minutes, looking for somewhere where a campus number for "I'm a dumbass who locked my keys in my office" might be posted, and hatching improbable schemes.... "I'll call Ross, wake him up, and he can drive over and fetch me... no wait, I have the car, damn"... someone arrived to go into the building. (It's a university, with grad students. Yes, people arrive at 2am to go to work.) So I could get into the main door. First hurdle passed.

Now, my office is a cubicle in this giant central room which is all divided into cubicles... so I went down the halls, trying doors that open into connecting cubicles, until I found one that was open. From there it was a simple exercise to climb up on desks and chairs, and over cubicle walls, until I made it to mine, and retrieved my keys. I felt kind of like a kid playing an "I must make it around the room without touching the ground" game. The world has a totally different feel when you're walking over desks instead of sitting behind them.

Two weeks til the wedding. Dad arrives in NYC today. It's exciting!

the wee hours

Lately I've been sitting up a lot in the wee hours. I'm usually pretty tired, but Ross goes to bed and for some reason I just can't bear to go when I'm told - so I sit and surf and read and stay up later and later until finally I give in and go to bed. At one.... two... three in the morning, the demons are alive, and I feel unbearably sad and impossibly tired and all alone in the world. And yet. I cherish that time, that all alone in the world time, because it is removed from the consequences of itself, separated by dark and silence and sleep from all the things I have to get done.

Today was okay. I met up with one of the other coordinators for the science camp I am helping to run at the end of the summer, and we put a lot of work into the project manual for the camp. It feels good to make progress and to be creating something of value. What I didn't do was make any further progress on writing my user guide and documentation for my code. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

It has been so hot. We are all wilting. When will it rain?

Welcome

After a couple of abortive attempts in the past to get this whole blog thing working for me, I've decided it's finally time to do it properly. Part of the incentive is that I now have a few other blogs that I read (semi) regularly, and I begin to see the point of putting some more of my stuff up on the ether.

I just realised that when I get married, and change my name, hingly will no longer be the logical user id that it's always been. In some ways, that makes me feel that hingly can become a retreat, to the secret parts and places of myself. Not that I don't want Ross to have a part of that. Just that there will be some part of me that's not completely defined by our marriage.

I think that that's a common fear, being swallowed up by your married identity - it certainly used to be a fear of mine. When I said that I was engaged, members of my group therapy group - some of whom know me pretty well, inside and out - asked me about a dream I had expressed of having potted plants and cats and being sufficient unto myself. It surprised me to be able to answer that I thought I could still do that with Ross - there seems to be a lot of space for me to be what I want to be, even if that's a mad catlady, within our marriage.

It's a sticky hot late June day, and I've been lurking in my office for a few hours, getting some work done but also just hanging out in air conditioning, hoping for rain. I'm scared to go home because it's so hot - maybe I'll go to a bookstore, and hang out in their air conditioning for a bit, and read something that I can't afford to buy.